Sunday, 3 June 2018

Dealing With The Complications of Love

Now that I am becoming more aware of myself and patterns that have led to most of my life decisions; thinking back, I can almost put choices I've made around my relationships in perspective.

I remember back when I was in the University, I was called a lesbian, sugar daddy lover and all sorts just because I wouldn't date anyone in school. Not that the boys in my school weren't attractive, actually they weren't at the time, but that factor had nothing to do with my absolute disgust for them.

My father, who is my god on earth, happens to be a very intelligent, soft-spoken, calculative man whose every move I'd habitually admired especially; his relationship with my mum and therefore, I desired to end up with someone like him. I guess that led to my attraction for older men with similar qualities as my dad's - nerdy, soft-spoken blah blah. As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to end up with a man at least 10 years older than I am.

But something changed in my 3rd year in school, not a complete change but a detour.

On my resumption day in school, while my mum was dropping me off, she drove past one of the male dormitories which was at the time, about 5 metres away from the female dormitory, and I spotted this really cute short chubby boy with no visible neckline standing right in front of the male dormitory. I continued staring at him until he was out of sight, little did I know that petty occurrence would lead to a major heartache in the future.

So school year kicks off fully and I'll spot the cute boy walking past and lose all my senses while still doing a great job at maintaining the "Don't even mess with me" front of course! This continued until my 3rd year in school when somehow, he found out I'd always had a crush on him and then we had a rather brief relationship.

After this relationship, I'd felt strongly for other men, but never what I felt when I spotted the cute boy from school. I don't know if that was a conscious decision or if I just had to meet another person my spirit or whatever deemed special. So I went with the flow for years and at a point, met this special man who loved me beyond my comprehension but for very complicated reasons, we couldn't end up together. He thought me how to love and I LOVED everything about him and still do to date. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He knew me completely and happened to be an older and calmer version of me. We shared the same sense of humour and interests especially eating pancakes while watching Judge Judy and one other very absurd American series- Dallas.

The relationship was bliss but in all, what I felt for the cute boy from school didn't come back so I wrote it off as youthful exuberance.

It became a case of, what I want didn't want me in return but those I had no care for were all over the place like leeches

Then late 2017, while at the lowest point in my life when nothing intrigued me, I come across this picture of a man in a hat with the most charming smile, greying beard and piercing eyes full of intelligence. He just looked so peaceful and calm in the picture .... and there it was! That feeling I'd forgotten was back! I wanted to meet him by all means and know all about him. Somehow we connected and got talking. I ensured to push my baggage forward because I'm at that point where I am either accepted for who I am or left to be in peace. Talking to him brought me back to life! He became a human version of Rant Avenue since I ranted about everything to him. It felt like ecstasy having someone to be so comfortable with until he became so busy that we barely communicated and in few months, he was gone.

In dealing with his silence, I found yoga and started making peace with the idea of being by myself for the rest of my life. It became a case of, what I want didn't want me in return but those I had no care for were all over the place like leeches and there's nothing more lonely than that as long as I am concerned. So I took solace in Yoga till I bumped into the Mr with the charming smile again. We were meeting for the very first time physically! I'd only spoken to him the day before we were to meet and I couldn't sleep that night. I was excited, angry and sweaty in the cold. Everything in me loves this man and want to be with him but there are deterrents almost out of both our controls. I have a pending case which could be a huge stumbling block if we are to progress into something serious, he, on the other hand, had gone into a relationship. I was SHATTERED, mad at myself for responding to his messages but still so excited about our rendezvous.

The next day, I walk out of my apartment and there he is, right at the gate! My legs become weak, I don't know how I am managing to walk while he's standing right there smiling at me. I begged him to look away but he wouldn't until the very last minute. I got close to him and he told me he liked my hair... I can't remember what my reply was since my emotions were all over the place at that point. He looked so GOOD, Hmmm!

We got into a car and started off for Coffee and I'm thinking "He's the ONE"...

So much I want to say but can't find the right words. I guess it is because I am still in the process... I'll be back with more...