Thursday, 4 January 2018

New Year Delusions


While everyone is so hyped about the New Year and turning into self-acclaimed motivational speakers on social media platforms, I stay reminiscing on what happened to 2017… I mean, it started out positively, I attended a Crossover Service to 2017 with my sister which got us so flipping hyped, I was in the honeymoon phase of my relationship, I quit my then job for a better job which I have now quit again K, I even opened a miscellaneous section in my agenda- which was really for having a baby. I had a gratitude Jar in which I placed all these things I was meant to do and those I’d accomplished.

I actually almost accomplished everything I had in my agenda/jar for 2017 but by the end of the year, I had lost everything. I do not only mean everything in my jar, but also my savings- my journey to having 30 Billion in the account!

There were some astounding lessons and accomplishments though; I got to visit new countries- went on an actual vacation- I mean wearing nothing but a bikini with sunglasses and getting fried by the sun while glancing at eye candy all over the place kind of vacation! Lest I digress, I also experienced a new phase of my career and understood that human/client management isn’t as easy, but I pulled through it quite well, My mum’s health improved tremendously, my nephew and I bonded so well that sometimes I take decisions as though he is mine- I need to work on this though, my dad’s words helped me through a major heart break. You know, my dad’s words make me feel like such a queen that when he’s done talking to me, I begin to wonder what kind of roach I’m letting bother me. Bless you daddy!

Despite losing all the major accomplishments of 2017, there were all these accomplishments and more which kept me afloat, but 2017 still happens to be the most disastrous year I have ever experienced, to the point that everything in Nigeria started ripping into my peace of heart like hell- paying at Lekki toll when the road is wack! Useless electricity tariff, employer handling my salaries as though it’s such a huge favour not that I worked hard for it! Louts, security guards, custom/immigration officers, police traffic wardens and the likes asking for money as though they forgot some in my wallet! Little beggars strategically placed by their guardians all over the place surrounding my car at the traffic stops and repeating the same damn words that constantly hit my “don’t give a flying ****” zone! Like, have you freaking asked me how I’m fairing? I have my burden too!  I’ll never understand why these begging mafias are allowed to stay on the roads, threatening commuters, but that’s a story for another day. Did I forget the money spent fixing my car? Even though I normally dislike ‘something has gone bad’ sounds emanating from my car and fix it up immediately; now, due to bad suspensions in my car, the noises I hear when my car hits a bad road sounds like love song to my ears.  

I’d normally let things happen while acting as though I am not expecting it. Let me try to explain this; so I’d take certain actions towards my plans but won’t actively push to avoid jinx or to trick life into not throwing unwanted energies. This strategy works-ish for me, but not to a full potential.

This year is definitely going to be different! I have drawn out plans which are split into quarterly subsections and have realistic processes to reach my goals. And hey, I didn’t arrive at this point by reading some lame quote on social media; I arrived at this point in a quest for something different from the usual.

In all, I am not getting unnecessarily hyped over nothing that is; without tangible reasons or over baseless quotes such as ‘people will be saying congratulations to you in 2018’, ‘you will receive a call that will change your life this year, ‘your helper will locate you’ and what not. You know, very unfounded reasons to be thrilled.

In fact, I am almost tempted to advice on better ways to handle a new year, but I refuse to be that annoying under-qualified motivational speaker. Haha!

Friday, 22 December 2017

My Encounter with Hard Drugs



Having been brought up with a God infused fear for my dad and an iron fist by my mum, hard drugs are things I only hear about or see in the movies but never had any opportunity to see or touch. Well, except for weed, which I have seen but never smoked or eaten (I promise, I'm not lying!).

Well, this was the case up until few days ago... Imagine! Someone destroyed this naive sweet girl! How evil can this world get? *Wiping innocent tears off my eyes*

Here's what happened, I met this man that seemed queer from the onset, but prided himself on being special and out of the ordinary. He was so off-centre that I was mostly left stunned by our conversations. I mean, most of our chats were;

Convo 1
Him: Uh oh, the traffic in Lagos is crazy, I'm stuck in one right now
Me: Well, the good thing is you aren't driving yourself; else your traffic stories will be far worse
Him: You need to control your emotions; your emotions are all over the place
Me: Huh?

Convo 2 -on a Friday at 12:30AM
Him: Shall we go somewhere quiet for drinks?
Me: Quiet on a Friday? Hmmm, is there anywhere quiet in Lagos? ‘South’ maybe?
Him: Naaa South is noisy.
Me: I don't think there is anywhere quiet today.
Him: What the hell are you talking about? Its either you want to see me or not
Me: huh?

These are very light examples. He always went from 0 to 100 so fast that I was left dizzy; but being that I have a lot of free time this season, I tolerated it and after a lot of back and forth; we finally fixed a date, time and a quiet place to meet.

On the set day, I walk in and see a white powdery substance poured on the table, I feel it and it is so smooth that and I'm thinking to myself "why does he freaking need a baby powder", but I ignore it, walk up to him, stretch out my arms for a hug, he walks up close to me and I notice immediately that his pupil is larger than usual- this didn't strike any unusual chord because he'd complained about stress the entire day and I simply thought that easily explained the enlarged pupil. In the midst of all these initial observations, my date is sweating a freaking pool in a freezing cold place and couldn't sit the heck down.

I walk over to a seat, settle in and get into my 'teasing to get actual answers' mood. While teasing, baba starts rolling two new 500 Naira notes, then he walks to the table, bends down towards the powder and starts sniffing and I'm like "wait a minute, something is going down here". Then I asked what it was and he went, "It's a cocktail. Wha,t you've never had it? Nigerians love this stuff", and went ahead to mention some names. I asked how he got it and he told me it’s sold all over the place. Loads of questions I cannot recall came rolling out of my mind and mouth simultaneously.

A friend of mine had previously mentioned to me that a lot of guys in Lagos are heavily into cocaine, but I never really believed that as one do not exactly see drug addicts wondering the streets of Lagos. I mean, I see mad people but that is from witches in their village right? I kid?!

But really, do Nigerians have some form of method of shielding this habit? Is it fear of getting caught by the Law Enforcement Authorities or just a typical example of cultural hypocrisy?

The funny thing is, he brought out a very small portion of the powdered substance and told me to try it. It was at that point I understood the essence of that verse 'FLEE FROM TEMPTATION'. I legit considered it just to grasp the thrill but remembered a conversation with an ex who told me that if cocaine is tried once and the body likes it, it'd crave for more. The fear of addiction quenched my curiosity, but the fact that I actually considered it *sigh* I simply carried my bag and strutted out. Of course, Mr. X will never hear from me again in case you are wondering.


I’d always previously said I couldn’t be tempted to do anything I didn’t want to, that night proved me wrong. Guess I’m unhappy with myself for having the thought to try but hey, it could happen to you. And so my boos, stay away from situations that’s likely to bring out your unknown beast.

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Nigerian Soldiers Brutalising Nigerians since Time Immemorial

All Nigerians and surely, the rest of the world, are aware of the nation’s uncountable problems ranging from porous borders to corruption to illiteracy to lack of infrastructures etc. But none of these gets me like the state of the bodies who's responsibilities are to protect the lives of Nigerian citizens. 

Often times I come across either articles or social media posts with the brutalities some citizens pass through in the hands of uniformed men, especially; military men, and the reaction of the Nigerian people to these occurrences are usually, funny memes of how one’s accent will change if slapped by the military or something about crossing to the other side of the road at the sight of a military man. Funny thing is; stuff that should be taken seriously and dealt with is accepted as normal with this sort of reactions, which is one of the major reasons the nation is doomed. Doomed? You might ask. What then can be said of a nation carrying on with life as usual, despite being aware of the refugee camp filled with Nigerians and aid workers that was bombed by the Nigerian military? And oh! Whilst the few reasonable ones are still in shock of that, our lordship decides to take a 10-day vacation, jets off to some foreign land, and we are told, will get a medical examination whilst at it? Or, a rich nation with some of its citizens dying of diseases and starvation in some parts of the country and receiving some foreign aids which can only go thus far, with nothing coming from their brother and sisters (other Nigerians). So, almost all sense of common reasoning and brotherhood is lost in this part of the world and the citizens are equal to/less than animals- and by animals I mean vultures or cows not lions. But I digress...

So a gentleman decides to take a walk and probably think of what prospects exists for him as a youth in this country. He wears a black armless top with a red track trouser and sets out. While at Keffi, he walks by some OP MENSA soldiers and one of the soldiers accustom him asking why he is dressed that way and why he is so muscular and in shape. He tells them he does it for fitness -being a fitness instructor, and besides enjoys working out. Then, he gets slapped by one of the soldiers, while the others pounce on him.
 

Before saying anything, please take a moment to focus on the question our military men asked the young man? Why are you so muscular and in shape? Is there a law that places some limit on muscularity or being in shape? Isn’t this foolishness similar to that exhibited by police officers who would stop you on the road and ask you to provide purchase receipt of a gadget (either phone or laptop) that you’ve had for probably over 2 years? And then when you can’t provide it, they ask for their entitlement- ‘your hard earned money with zero help from the government’.

I almost had a personal encounter with a clueless solider. I had an international flight to catch and I was way behind the late virgins from the Parable of The Ten Virgins in the bible – I am pointing out the fact that it was an international flight, so you have an idea of the money spent which I wouldn’t have been able to provide for another ticket had I missed that flight. So I hopped on a bike from Obalende to Ikeja airport o! That's a 20km journey on okada! See fear!!! In fact, my heart acted funny few days ago but I thought to myself, if I didn’t die that fateful day I hopped on that bike, it means I cannot die young. Anyway, so about 100metres away from the airport, some man stopped us and was asking why I had a camouflage bag, that wasn’t even the same pattern or quality of material as the military. I didn’t say a word, I who was dealing with anxiety from all the swerving I’d passed through that day. It turned out my bike guy was a military man, and that was how I was allowed to go. Thinking of it now, no wonder the soldiers were so offended by the muscular and fit young man, because the soldier that stopped me looked like I could slap him to yonder had we been in a secluded place by ourselves.

These military men ought to be called to order as soon as possible. I for one, do not feel safe with them around. I remember my cousin telling me the story of how she was almost kidnapped. While running away from the kidnappers, she saw police officers and knew the kidnappers would only need to offer the officers 2 thousand Naira; which is equivalent to $4, and she is theirs. She kept running till she found farmers from the community, then the kidnappers fled. And these are the people who are meant to protect us from our adversaries?

Please help share till someone in power gets this and hopefully, something is done.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

The Osapa London Avengers


If you’ve ever thought the name ‘Osapa London’ stupid, wait till I spill what I encountered there two days ago. Okay, I shall not apportion blame to the place, but to the riffraff that almost destroyed my good evening vibe. My brothers and sisters, never had I ever come across such foolishness in my life. Ok I have encountered several… But this one amazed me, since Osapa London is no ghetto.

Before I proceed, I’d like to issue a disclaimer;

Women are neither generally dramatic nor unnecessarily emotional…

That said, I decided to stop by a friend’s that lives a stone throw away from my abode, on my way back from work, only for me to find myself stuck in traffic, trying to make my way into the estate gate. Before I knew what was happening, I had spent 30 minutes, 10 metres away from the gate! I tried to stay calm and not go into my usual rants about how something is wrong with Nigerians, since apparently, my hormones are not happy with my constant mood switches. So I maneuvered my way to the front of the gate, only to see that the whole labourers in the estate had surrounded two cars and were shouting over God knows what. You know, this encounter simply convinced me that without laws, human beings would be worse than animals!

Anyway, I gave my brother my phone to go capture the scene, but knowing that this president Bubu’s regime can cause one to steal your bra without you even knowing it, I warned him to stay at least 3 metres away from the scene before he will come back to me with only my phone pouch- He did a very wack job though, because he didn’t capture the action nor the traffic the fight caused.Guess what caused the horrific congestion one had to get stuck in after driving through under the scorching sun, traffic and living dead’s on the road to get home?

So apparently, this man wanted to make a U-turn;  whether he indicated or not I do not know, but the narrators said the woman behind him clearly saw that he was making a U-turn, she then ran into his car. So during the course of their argument, she seized his car key with his car parked right in front of the estate gate! This woman refused to release the key, so all of us trying to make our way in, had to wait for this woman to change her mind! Not only did her action (seizing the key) make her seem extremely lost, it attracted all the infected armpits in the world into her car! No disrespect to labourers at all as i absolutely respect your hustle; however, we all know the smell that oozes out of y'all armpit can kill any living thing! So if the guys struggling to get into the woman's car in this video were ten, she was inhaling ten armpits Geez!

Let me break this down, have you ever had a maintenance person come to fix- say your AC, then you walk out and after few minutes, walk back in only to be hit by a strong smell that seems as though a rat that died 3 days ago is in the building? So yes, the woman is scarred as long as she remains in that estate, she'll also probably need a bowel treatment after all she took in that day.
Hallelujah though!!! The man (Mr U-Turn) didn’t beat the woman at fault so to speak, because if he did, I wouldn’t care if she set his beard on fire, I would have stood with her to the end!

I wish I wrote this as it happened, now see how I lost all my anger juice :D


Sunday, 30 October 2016

To All The Witches In My Village

My concern has never really been with witches; in fact, the only period in my life I remotely paid attention, was years ago while I was still delusional or should I say, a Christian so blind.
Anyway, my mum and I were watching this Yoruba movie where a certain Christian family kept undergoing ‘spiritual’ attacks, so in quest for a solution, the family decided to consult a ‘White Witch’. I turned to my mum and asked why in the heck a family experiencing ‘spiritual ’ attacks would visit witches rather than go to a church, and my mum said they were going to white witches (good witches) and not evil witches, isi gbaka mu (my head exploded)!  You should have seen the way I turned up on my mum, I no gree the woman talk again o. I started spewing out bullets! Talking about how I couldn’t believe a Christian woman like her would say there are good witches and how I sometimes worried she won’t make heaven due to her mixed beliefs bla blab bla...

But the truth is, I have seen cases where one is really sick or have some deadly bruises and while some so-called men of God would have shown up rhyming and speaking all the grammar they’ve been able to learn, someone will show up with local herbs- which I have always thought were diabolically acquired- and then, the bruises become history. Not that i am saying Pastors must perform miracles, but rather than shout all over the place with stories of miracles only dead people can attest to, it will be best to actually perform some people can experience firsthand.

Over time, I have become fascinated with traditional herbs, traditional religion, witchcraft etc. hence, appreciating some of their works.
After all, our traditional practices existed before colonization came and traded Christian religion for all our resources and common sense.
Now, if it isn’t what came with colonization/westernization, it is evil.
Big kudos to South Africa for adding Witchcraft and Wizardry to their curriculum,  I gladly broke this news to my mum and she forced out fakes tears asking the universe what happened to her daughter and whom she offended. I was like, “pick a battle mama! Today you say there are good witches, tomorrow you blame me for being curious. I am like a cat girl”! I want to know what’s behind everything.

I don’t know about witches from others parts of the world, but if i ever get a chance to address the witches from my village, i will tell them to brand themselves properly. My people will call it ‘packaging’- Just like Harry Potter  made flying with brooms look appealing to most of us; rather than our witches seeking for who’s destiny to lock inside a bottle of Schnapps or who’s womb to lock and all of that petty rubbish, they should come up with some innovative creations that will attract the world to Nigeria and help in foreign exchange. For instance, make actual flying brooms or carpets, produce gears similar to Samsung's, one can use to catch a glimpse of the future. I'd also ask that they appear better; because, if they really are as wack as Nollywood movies present them to  be -black teeth, white tacky hair and garments that look like they've never been close to water,i wonder how in the world they expect people to take them seriously.

So who knows a white witch from Abia State?

Friday, 14 October 2016

Man of My Dreams


By the time you are done reading this post, I would have become a lesbian. I KID! Before jobless miscreants in the name of law enforcement slams me with a 14-year jail term, in one of our many dilapidated jails, as though that is the root of our countless problems.

Anyhoo, my brothers, sisters and confused sex aka Caitlyn Jenner category; if I tell you that i am not tired of this game called dating, just know I am a big fat liar! Well, just a liar, not fat :) There are just so many rules to live by! As much as I love to argue that people could land their dream partner regardless of the personality, this part of the clime seems to be proving otherwise.

I happened to be in a discussion group where i chipped in the fact that the co-called bad girls seem to get hooked way faster than the so-called decent girls, and someone was quick to point out that – the girls know how to play ‘the game’. You know- a lady in the street and freak in the sheets. Well, my response was, “why do I have to go through all of that to be loved and appreciated”?
So I pretend to be this idle lady, then get married, become comfortable and revert to the real me, problems begin to spew from all corners and all love becomes lost in the marriage? Is getting married and ending up in a loveless relationship really the aim? Why be in a marriage where cuddling or being affectionate is like rocket science? 
I killed the foolishness of asking an ex back, after I ended up dreading this guy who thought persistently pursuing me was eventually going to win me over. Now imagine how disgusting it must be to return home from work to someone you totally dread and aren’t looking forward to seeing; probably laid on your bed or trying to be intimate with you. That must be a different kind of hell-ish experience. Yes sometimes with time, love could grow or happen again with such partner, but more often than not, hatred and disgust takes over.

The decision to rant about this was made after a close friend of mine, sat me down few weeks ago and really massaged my ego in an attempt to slide in that talk I often ignore – How to Land the Man of My Dreams. I don’t know which of the topics I dislike the most between ‘Think like a man and act like a woman’ and ‘Landing your dream man’. In fact, now that I write about it, I think she read up on constructive criticism before having *the talk* with me, as she started by listing some of my numerous great qualities before the BUTs rolled in; i need to bridle my tongue, over look more and be more feminine. Then she went ahead to create a scenario I should live by for 3 months and see if I do not transform the next guy  that comes my way into ‘The man of my dreams’ or ‘The One’. Not like I’ve ever believed in the one guy to a woman sharing ratio; I mean, you are with one man this moment and reckon he is the greatest, till paths cross with some other guy that rocks your world in an inexplicable manner.

Anyway, she told me to be sweet, listen more to the guy than have a retort, massage his ego and try not to be the smart one at all times. Try? I don’t try to be smart, I AM SMART! Why accept foolishness when we can better each other by pointing out stupidity when spotted? Cook more over going to restaurants -Please bear in mind that cooking more will probably entail serving as an exercise machine – my lord will definitely need to burn out the food :| Then, she told me to swallow my ego and learn to apologize regardless of who is at fault.

If indeed I am capable of doing all that’s been mentioned, please do me the favour of pointing out the difference between a zombie or famous Ms Doormat and me. She means well of course, and I love her insanely for her genuine concerns, but man- I don’t think I was made to suffer like that. I haven’t put that much effort into understanding the higher power, and I am supposed to go through all of that to be loved and accepted by flesh and blood? This isn’t even me being arrogant or ignorant as some might perceive this post to be, it’s just that; love shouldn’t be that complicated. One of the reasons love is said to be blind is because, love is capable of overlooking all the flaws and deterrents in all persons, things or situations. I am also very much aware that there must be compromises for any relationship to survive, but there are just certain things that cannot be compromised. I once went on a double date with a friend, this guy and his friend; we’d been in a rather odd circle for over four hours, so my friend and i couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to get going. Just to prove that they are men and cannot be ordered around, they took their time even when there was clearly nothing more to do. Internet also took sides with them as we didn’t have enough bars to order an Uber. Over two hours later, they sluggishly stood up and headed for the car, left us inside and stepped aside to gossip about us. I was just side eyeballing my friend as my stupidity-dar had picked on pieces of that behavior way before that night, but she and my sister thought I was just being difficult. If a man that claims he is into me would go as far as disrespecting me, even before his friend at such initial stage, what will my story be after I have put up a great performance to get him to marry me, only to go back to being sort of finicky? He might just garnish my face with a resounding slap in a market square someday.

All I have written about and more are the reason playing dating games is highly unnecessary. The best bait is probably to be with someone that kind of compliments you and have it in mind that there will always be downsides. Not to say stuff like, ‘I really liked you and would have dated you if you weren’t crazy’ or how do they say it?

So is it ok to have expectations regarding a life partner? Of course! Can all these expectations be found in one man, which would then make him the dream man? Not necessarily! Should one bend over to get this partner? Of course not! Bending over is simply tossing aside the original version of you for the plastic.


Thursday, 29 September 2016

The World Ain’t Nothing Without A Woman



I recently received a message on one of my social media platforms which I have decided to generously share with you;

Hello Titi, How are you doing? I saw your profile here and I think you are very interesting and so pretty (I love your smile and your curves).  My name is Kay and I am a German. I hope to find the right woman for life. But I want to be very honest with you from the start: I have two African women in Nigeria already and am looking for my third woman. The other women know about this and they are very OK with it. We are having a very good relationship with lots of love and sex too. My two women enjoy sex with each other too. I hope you are not offended with my honesty. So maybe- if I am lucky – you agree on sharing me. And I think meeting is better than only writing messages. So I am willing to come to your Nigeria soon after we got to know each other a bit.

I am just going to look over ‘I love your smile and your curves’, to say that; back in the day, I’d waste precious 5 minutes constructing a long insulting response to this foolishness, but these days i just either ignore if the person is over 30 yet brainless, or I respond with a lecture if the fellow is below 30. I didn’t respond to this because, this man is way over 40 and I know for sure that a fool at that age is stuck in the fools community till death. However, I am going to address disrespect in general –especially, from the opposite sex. After all, it sure does make good content for my blog.

Sometimes- in fact most times, I just want to hang out with my friends and dance in ‘our’ space (which is why, you are more likely to find me licking a baboon’s bum than in a crowded place), then some guy comes from behind and thinks it OK to rub his reproductive organs on my back, then when I apply my deadly gaze, he acts all confused and insinuates that I am dancing seductively at the first place because I want some attention. *sigh* I swear that I have searched all over for sense to attach to that statement but have found none. Let’s assume I am really out to seek attention, shouldn’t the right thing to do be- to ask for a dance or be sleek enough to slide in front of me but keep a healthy distance and hope I somehow get in the naughty grind mood?

Another one that gets me is the question, ’Are you a child’? This, I thought had gone with the winds due to exposure and of course; growth, but apparently not! So few weeks ago, my friend and I were talking about this same issue- you know, a guy tries to cajole a girl into having sex, she shoves him off and next thing, he hits her with the “are you a child” question. Like dude, how does that correlate? Asides from the fact that i am indeed someone’s child whom you intend to render crippled; so, in order to prove just how mature I am, It’d be idle to spread my legs for every man that wants a go?  

But of course, I wouldn’t blame men entirely; going back to oga from Germany, dude says he’s got two Nigerian women that do not mind him being with multiple women, and I just wonder what in the hell kind of women those are. The truth is, most women including me, have made a fool of ourselves at a point in our lives; but as time passes by and we build ourselves and take note of all we can and have been able to achieve, we begin to realise our worth, and then begin to scream out for gender equality. This doesn’t mean we cannot decide to indulge in some form of foolishness though. But In most cases, while some men get dumber and dumber (trust me if the money I have come across equals the number of foolish men I have encountered, I’d be somewhere getting rid of future wrinkles), women are taking over.

So I see no reason why women should look over disrespect and settle for – It is a man’s world. As Seal rightly sang, “it is a man’s world but it ain’t nothing without a woman or a girl”, go figure!

The worst part of it all is that, some would stumble on this post and after reading, they’d go find out if I am single and if I happen to be, they’d say I am bitter because I am not married and even further advise me to calm down else I might end up alone, WONDERS!!!