Sunday, 22 January 2017

Nigerian Soldiers Brutalising Nigerians since Time Immemorial

All Nigerians and surely, the rest of the world, are aware of the nation’s uncountable problems ranging from porous borders to corruption to illiteracy to lack of infrastructures etc. But none of these gets me like the state of the bodies who's responsibilities are to protect the lives of Nigerian citizens. 

Often times I come across either articles or social media posts with the brutalities some citizens pass through in the hands of police officers, especially; military men. And the reaction of the Nigerian people to these occurrences are usually, funny memes of how one’s accent will change if slapped by the military or something about crossing to the other side of the road at the sight of a military man. Funny thing is; stuff that should be taken seriously and dealt with is accepted as normal with this sort of reactions, which is one of the major reasons the nation is doomed. Doomed? You might ask. What then can be said of a nation carrying on with life as usual, despite being aware of the refugee camp filled with Nigerians and aid workers that was bombed by the Nigerian military? And oh! Whilst the few reasonable ones are still in shock of that, our lordship decides to take a 10-day vacation, jets off to some foreign land, and we are told, will get a medical examination whilst at it? Or, a rich nation with some of its citizens dying of diseases and starvation in some parts of the country and receiving some foreign aids which can only go thus far, with nothing coming from their brother and sisters (other Nigerians). So, almost all sense of common reasoning and brotherhood is lost in this part of the world and the citizens are equal to/less than animals- and by animals I mean vultures or cows not lions.

So a gentleman decides to take a walk and probably think of what prospects exists for him as a youth in this country. He wears a black armless top and red track trouser and sets out. While at Keffi, he walks by some OP MENSA soldiers and one of the soldiers accustom him asking why he is dressed that way and why he is so muscular and in shape. He tells them he does it for fitness -being a fitness instructor, and besides enjoys working out. Then, he gets slapped by one of the soldiers, while the others pounce on him.
 

Before saying anything, please take a moment to focus on the question our military men asked the young man? Why are you so muscular and in shape? Is there a law that places some limit on muscularity or being in shape? Isn’t this foolishness similar to that exhibited by police officers who would stop you on the road and ask you to provide purchase receipt of a gadget (either phone or laptop) that you’ve had for probably over 2 years? And then when you can’t provide it, they ask for their entitlement- ‘your hard earned money with zero help from the government’.

I almost had a personal encounter with a clueless solider. I had an international flight to catch and I was way behind the late virgins from the Parable of The Ten Virgins in the bible – I am pointing out the fact that it was an international flight, so you have an idea of the money spent which I wouldn’t have been able to provide for another ticket had I missed that flight. So I hopped on a bike from Obalende to Ikeja airport o! That's a 20km journey on okada! See fear!!! In fact, my heart acted funny few days ago but I thought to myself, if I didn’t die that fateful day I hopped on that bike, it means I cannot die young. Anyway, so about 100metres away from the airport, some man stopped us and was asking why I had a camouflage bag, that wasn’t even the same pattern or quality of material as the military. I didn’t say a word, I who was dealing with anxiety from all the swerving I’d passed through that day. It turned out my bike guy was a military man, and that was how I was allowed to go. Thinking of it now, no wonder the soldiers were so offended by the muscular and fit young man, because the soldier that stopped me looked like I could slap him to yonder had we been in a secluded place by ourselves.

These military men ought to be called to order as soon as possible, I for one, do not feel safe with them around. I remember my cousin telling me the story of how she was almost kidnapped. While running away from the kidnappers, she saw police officers and knew the kidnappers would only need to offer the officers 2 thousand naira; which is equivalent to $4, and she is theirs. She kept running till she found farmers from the community, then the kidnappers fled. And these are the people who are meant to protect us from our adversaries?

Please help share till someone in power gets this and hopefully, something is done.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

The Osapa London Avengers


If you’ve ever thought the name ‘Osapa London’ stupid, wait till I spill what i encountered there two days. Okay, i shall not apportion blame to the place, but to the riffraff that almost destroyed my good evening vibe. My brothers and sisters, never had I ever come across such foolishness in my life. Ok I have encountered several… But this one amazed me, since Osapa London is no ghetto.

Before I proceed, I’d like to issue a disclaimer;

Women are neither generally dramatic nor unnecessarily emotional…

That said, I decided to stop by a friend’s that lives a stone throw away from my abode, on my way back from work, only for me to find myself stuck in traffic, trying to make my way into the estate gate. Before I knew what was happening, I had spent 30 minutes, 10 metres away from the gate! I tried to stay calm and not go into my usual rants about how something is wrong with Nigerians, since apparently, my hormones are not happy with my constant mood switches. So I maneuvered my way to the front of the gate, only to see that the whole labourers in the estate had surrounded two cars and were shouting over God knows what. You know, this encounter simply convinced me that without laws, human beings would be worse than animals! Anyway, I gave my brother my phone to go capture the scene, but knowing that this president Bubu’s regime can cause one to steal your bra without you even knowing it, I warned him to stay at least 3 metres away from the scene before he will come back to me with only my phone pouch- He did a very wack job though, because he didn’t capture the action nor the traffic the fight caused.Guess what caused the horrific congestion one had to get stuck in after driving through the burning hot sun, traffic and living dead’s on the road to get home?

So apparently, this man wanted to make a U-turn;  whether he indicated or not I do not know, but the narrators said the woman behind him clearly saw that he was making a U-turn, she then ran into his car. So during the course of their argument, she seized his car key with his car parked right in front of the estate gate! This woman refused to release the key, so all us trying to make our way in, had to wait for this woman to change her mind! Not only did her action (seizing the key) make her seem extremely lost, it attracted all the infected armpits in the world into her car! No disrespect to labourers at all as i absolutely respect your hustle; however, we all know the smell that oozes out of y'all armpit can kill any living thing! So if the guys struggling to get into the woman's car in this video were ten, she was inhaling ten armpits Geez!

Let me break this down, have you ever had a maintenance person come to fix- say your AC, then you walk out and after few minutes, walk back in only to be hit by a strong smell that seems as though a rat that died 3 days ago is in the building? So yes, the woman is scarred as long as she remains in that estate, she'll also probably need a bowel treatment after all she took in that day.
Hallelujah though!!! The man (Mr U-Turn) didn’t beat the woman at fault so to speak, because if he did, I wouldn’t care if she set his beard on fire, I would have stood with her to the end!

I wish I wrote this as it happened, now see how light I lost all my anger juice.


Sunday, 30 October 2016

To All The Witches In My Village

My concern has never really been with witches; in fact, the only period in my life I remotely paid attention, was years ago while I was still delusional or should I say, a Christian so blind.
Anyway, my mum and I were watching this Yoruba movie where a certain Christian family kept undergoing ‘spiritual’ attacks, so in quest for a solution, the family decided to consult a ‘White Witch’. I turned to my mum and asked why in the heck a family experiencing ‘spiritual ’ attacks would visit witches rather than go to a church, and my mum said they were going to white witches (good witches) and not evil witches, isi gbaka mu (my head exploded)!  You should have seen the way I turned up on my mum, I no gree the woman talk again o. I started spewing out bullets! Talking about how I couldn’t believe a Christian woman like her would say there are good witches and how I sometimes worried she won’t make heaven due to her mixed beliefs bla blab bla...

But the truth is, I have seen cases where one is really sick or have some deadly bruises and while some so-called men of God would have shown up rhyming and speaking all the grammar they’ve been able to learn, someone will show up with local herbs- which I have always thought were diabolically acquired- and then, the bruises become history. Not that i am saying Pastors must perform miracles, but rather than shout all over the place with stories of miracles only dead people can attest to, it will be best to actually perform some people can experience firsthand.

Over time, I have become fascinated with traditional herbs, traditional religion, witchcraft etc. hence, appreciating some of their works.
After all, our traditional practices existed before colonization came and traded Christian religion for all our resources and common sense.
Now, if it isn’t what came with colonization/westernization, it is evil.
Big kudos to South Africa for adding Witchcraft and Wizardry to their curriculum,  I gladly broke this news to my mum and she forced out fakes tears asking the universe what happened to her daughter and whom she offended. I was like, “pick a battle mama! Today you say there are good witches, tomorrow you blame me for being curious. I am like a cat girl”! I want to know what’s behind everything.

I don’t know about witches from others parts of the world, but if i ever get a chance to address the witches from my village, i will tell them to brand themselves properly. My people will call it ‘packaging’- Just like Harry Potter  made flying with brooms look appealing to most of us; rather than our witches seeking for who’s destiny to lock inside a bottle of Schnapps or who’s womb to lock and all of that petty rubbish, they should come up with some innovative creations that will attract the world to Nigeria and help in foreign exchange. For instance, make actual flying brooms or carpets, produce gears similar to Samsung's, one can use to catch a glimpse of the future. I'd also ask that they appear better; because, if they really are as wack as Nollywood movies present them to  be -black teeth, white tacky hair and garments that look like they've never been close to water,i wonder how in the world they expect people to take them seriously.

So who knows a white witch from Abia State?

Friday, 14 October 2016

Man of My Dreams


By the time you are done reading this post, I would have become a lesbian. I KID! Before jobless miscreants in the name of law enforcement slams me with a 14-year jail term, in one of our many dilapidated jails, as though that is the root of our countless problems.

Anyhoo, my brothers, sisters and confused sex aka Caitlyn Jenner category; if I tell you that i am not tired of this game called dating, just know I am a big fat liar! Well, just a liar, not fat :) There are just so many rules to live by! As much as I love to argue that people could land their dream partner regardless of the personality, this part of the clime seems to be proving otherwise.

I happened to be in a discussion group where i chipped in the fact that the co-called bad girls seem to get hooked way faster than the so-called decent girls, and someone was quick to point out that – the girls know how to play ‘the game’. You know- a lady in the street and freak in the sheets. Well, my response was, “why do I have to go through all of that to be loved and appreciated”?
So I pretend to be this idle lady, then get married, become comfortable and revert to the real me, problems begin to spew from all corners and all love becomes lost in the marriage? Is getting married and ending up in a loveless relationship really the aim? Why be in a marriage where cuddling or being affectionate is like rocket science? 
I killed the foolishness of asking an ex back, after I ended up dreading this guy who thought persistently pursuing me was eventually going to win me over. Now imagine how disgusting it must be to return home from work to someone you totally dread and aren’t looking forward to seeing; probably laid on your bed or trying to be intimate with you. That must be a different kind of hell-ish experience. Yes sometimes with time, love could grow or happen again with such partner, but more often than not, hatred and disgust takes over.

The decision to rant about this was made after a close friend of mine, sat me down few weeks ago and really massaged my ego in an attempt to slide in that talk I often ignore – How to Land the Man of My Dreams. I don’t know which of the topics I dislike the most between ‘Think like a man and act like a woman’ and ‘Landing your dream man’. In fact, now that I write about it, I think she read up on constructive criticism before having *the talk* with me, as she started by listing some of my numerous great qualities before the BUTs rolled in; i need to bridle my tongue, over look more and be more feminine. Then she went ahead to create a scenario I should live by for 3 months and see if I do not transform the next guy  that comes my way into ‘The man of my dreams’ or ‘The One’. Not like I’ve ever believed in the one guy to a woman sharing ratio; I mean, you are with one man this moment and reckon he is the greatest, till paths cross with some other guy that rocks your world in an inexplicable manner.

Anyway, she told me to be sweet, listen more to the guy than have a retort, massage his ego and try not to be the smart one at all times. Try? I don’t try to be smart, I AM SMART! Why accept foolishness when we can better each other by pointing out stupidity when spotted? Cook more over going to restaurants -Please bear in mind that cooking more will probably entail serving as an exercise machine – my lord will definitely need to burn out the food :| Then, she told me to swallow my ego and learn to apologize regardless of who is at fault.

If indeed I am capable of doing all that’s been mentioned, please do me the favour of pointing out the difference between a zombie or famous Ms Doormat and me. She means well of course, and I love her insanely for her genuine concerns, but man- I don’t think I was made to suffer like that. I haven’t put that much effort into understanding the higher power, and I am supposed to go through all of that to be loved and accepted by flesh and blood? This isn’t even me being arrogant or ignorant as some might perceive this post to be, it’s just that; love shouldn’t be that complicated. One of the reasons love is said to be blind is because, love is capable of overlooking all the flaws and deterrents in all persons, things or situations. I am also very much aware that there must be compromises for any relationship to survive, but there are just certain things that cannot be compromised. I once went on a double date with a friend, this guy and his friend; we’d been in a rather odd circle for over four hours, so my friend and i couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to get going. Just to prove that they are men and cannot be ordered around, they took their time even when there was clearly nothing more to do. Internet also took sides with them as we didn’t have enough bars to order an Uber. Over two hours later, they sluggishly stood up and headed for the car, left us inside and stepped aside to gossip about us. I was just side eyeballing my friend as my stupidity-dar had picked on pieces of that behavior way before that night, but she and my sister thought I was just being difficult. If a man that claims he is into me would go as far as disrespecting me, even before his friend at such initial stage, what will my story be after I have put up a great performance to get him to marry me, only to go back to being sort of finicky? He might just garnish my face with a resounding slap in a market square someday.

All I have written about and more are the reason playing dating games is highly unnecessary. The best bait is probably to be with someone that kind of compliments you and have it in mind that there will always be downsides. Not to say stuff like, ‘I really liked you and would have dated you if you weren’t crazy’ or how do they say it?

So is it ok to have expectations regarding a life partner? Of course! Can all these expectations be found in one man, which would then make him the dream man? Not necessarily! Should one bend over to get this partner? Of course not! Bending over is simply tossing aside the original version of you for the plastic.


Thursday, 29 September 2016

The World Ain’t Nothing Without A Woman



I recently received a message on one of my social media platforms which I have decided to generously share with you;

Hello Titi, How are you doing? I saw your profile here and I think you are very interesting and so pretty (I love your smile and your curves).  My name is Kay and I am a German. I hope to find the right woman for life. But I want to be very honest with you from the start: I have two African women in Nigeria already and am looking for my third woman. The other women know about this and they are very OK with it. We are having a very good relationship with lots of love and sex too. My two women enjoy sex with each other too. I hope you are not offended with my honesty. So maybe- if I am lucky – you agree on sharing me. And I think meeting is better than only writing messages. So I am willing to come to your Nigeria soon after we got to know each other a bit.

I am just going to look over ‘I love your smile and your curves’, to say that; back in the day, I’d waste precious 5 minutes constructing a long insulting response to this foolishness, but these days i just either ignore if the person is over 30 yet brainless, or I respond with a lecture if the fellow is below 30. I didn’t respond to this because, this man is way over 40 and I know for sure that a fool at that age is stuck in the fools community till death. However, I am going to address disrespect in general –especially, from the opposite sex. After all, it sure does make good content for my blog.

Sometimes- in fact most times, I just want to hang out with my friends and dance in ‘our’ space (which is why, you are more likely to find me licking a baboon’s bum than in a crowded place), then some guy comes from behind and thinks it OK to rub his reproductive organs on my back, then when I apply my deadly gaze, he acts all confused and insinuates that I am dancing seductively at the first place because I want some attention. *sigh* I swear that I have searched all over for sense to attach to that statement but have found none. Let’s assume I am really out to seek attention, shouldn’t the right thing to do be- to ask for a dance or be sleek enough to slide in front of me but keep a healthy distance and hope I somehow get in the naughty grind mood?

Another one that gets me is the question, ’Are you a child’? This, I thought had gone with the winds due to exposure and of course; growth, but apparently not! So few weeks ago, my friend and I were talking about this same issue- you know, a guy tries to cajole a girl into having sex, she shoves him off and next thing, he hits her with the “are you a child” question. Like dude, how does that correlate? Asides from the fact that i am indeed someone’s child whom you intend to render crippled; so, in order to prove just how mature I am, It’d be idle to spread my legs for every man that wants a go?  

But of course, I wouldn’t blame men entirely; going back to oga from Germany, dude says he’s got two Nigerian women that do not mind him being with multiple women, and I just wonder what in the hell kind of women those are. The truth is, most women including me, have made a fool of ourselves at a point in our lives; but as time passes by and we build ourselves and take note of all we can and have been able to achieve, we begin to realise our worth, and then begin to scream out for gender equality. This doesn’t mean we cannot decide to indulge in some form of foolishness though. But In most cases, while some men get dumber and dumber (trust me if the money I have come across equals the number of foolish men I have encountered, I’d be somewhere getting rid of future wrinkles), women are taking over.

So I see no reason why women should look over disrespect and settle for – It is a man’s world. As Seal rightly sang, “it is a man’s world but it ain’t nothing without a woman or a girl”, go figure!

The worst part of it all is that, some would stumble on this post and after reading, they’d go find out if I am single and if I happen to be, they’d say I am bitter because I am not married and even further advise me to calm down else I might end up alone, WONDERS!!!

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Why The Need For A Pastor?




Look what I found in my draft! I intended to post this sometime in August 2015 but can't remember what held me back. Anyway, I am glad I didn’t post it then because; my state of confusion was 100%! My level of confusion should be at about 45% now meaning, that I might be wrong about some of the things I would say in this post.

I'd never had that fantasy of wearing a long white dress with a veil across my face, walking down the aisle with my father to be joined with my half by a pastor... Never! Of course i had always thought a pastor would definitely bless my marriage; but not in a church, because i found church services to be extremely boring. You have to understand that i only went to church at that point in my life because i was forced to. I had no say in the matter at all; which was fine, since my parents were only doing what they believed was right for me. I also didn’t understand why weddings had to be so complicated. When I was younger, I likened weddings to funerals, they were same as long as I was concerned because; you’d sit through this very long service with the couple looking very unhappy out of either the discomfort of the clothes or the thought of the amount of money spent just for that day alone. Things have changed now though. Weddings are a whole lot more competitive; which was the lit-test? Who wore the best dress? Who had more dignitaries or good looking people attend etc.? I still don’t get why it has got to be so complicated though, but I’d leave that topic for later.

So now that I am older, and have settled down to read the bible in order to understand Christianity beyond what I have been told or what is constantly being preached; I really do not see the point of having a pastor bless my marriage. In fact, I don’t even know if I am a Christian anymore. I do believe in God, but still struggling to grasp the concept of Jesus. I believe in God not because of any personal encounters; I only sort of believe because some of the scientific theories I’ve come across about the evolution of man and the earth do not add up in my brain. Then of course, there is witchcraft and all these mysterious powers, both evil and good. Something supernatural has got to be behind them. I also pray about somethings I have no control over, and somehow it’s all fixed, so those are the basis of my belief; nothing more.

Before I quit being a church worker, I met with several pastors and even friends that claimed Jesus was speaking to them, asking them questions about most of the concerns I had about Christianity. But they all struggled to come up with compelling answers, they’d either say, “pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you and you will know the truth” or “You are not meant to understand everything, somethings remain mysteries to us”, and many more replies like that. But I am like, wait a minute; did God intend to have a bunch of zombies following him? People that are just walking behind him but have no clue as to why? Isn’t the bible supposed to be my life guide? How can I then be told that I am not supposed to understand everything in the book? How do you enter a plane only to discover that the safety manual is written in such a way that it cannot be comprehended, how would that be helpful to anyone?

Let’s look at marriage from the biblical standpoint a little…
Abraham had a big influence in choosing a wife for his son Isaac. Rebekah’s family gave their blessings and when Isaac saw Rebekah, he took her into his tent and married her (had sex with her). As for King David, King Saul blessed the marriage- for whatever reasons. Notice that so far, there’s been no mention of a third party joining the couple asides from the family ‘heads’ approving of the matrimony. While I am not going to be the know-it-all or devil, arguing against all the tenets of the church, I do not see the need for a pastor when it comes to marriages.
 In honoring my father and mother; I allow them influence my decision in choosing a partner and giving their blessings, which I believe holds more ground than the blessings/curse of any pastor
How did this idea of white wedding come to be at the first place? Is it in the bible? Because, only if I need some spiritual eye-opener to open my eyes, I don’t see it; i see no rings, no white weddings, no sex champions (people that have been having sex since thy kingdom come) wearing white dresses on their wedding day etc. But, I do not underestimate the office of fathers and mothers at all. My heart goes out to people with ‘undeserving parents’, but as long as the principles of your folks are aligned with what should be; I believe you are good to go. In fact, it could be argued that whether or not your folks are spiritual, their blessings still matter; I mean, no one is meant for anyone in particular. So, if your ‘ungodly’ folks approve of someone that is seemingly wrong, the person might end up being fantastic right?

Some have a problem with Catholics asking Mary (The mother of Jesus), to help them ask Jesus for favors. They argue that the spirit of God went into all men after the curtains separating the Holies of hollies was torn from bottom up following the death of Jesus Christ. Yet, they have no problem with asking a pastor to bless their marriage, which they believe would make Jesus automatically, certify the marriage a Christian one.

While i am aware that Usain Bolt got nothing on most people i air my views to, i know there are a selected 'few' that desire to know the truth no matter how odd they might be perceived to be. So my question remains, why the need for a pastor with so much information at our disposal?

Sunday, 11 September 2016

Act Like You Do


Kel

I can’t tell you how long it took me to fully forgive myself for my past mistakes and failures. Wondering if anyone else cringes while reminiscing about something rather silly that’s happened or you’ve done in the past. That was me the whole period I spent torturing myself. But hey, I’ve developed a rather strong persona that is unperturbed by negative stories, whether true or false.